There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you – it’s the type of sex you’re having!

by | Jan 24, 2023


My clients think that they are the problem, that there is something ‘wrong’ with them. They think they are somehow ‘broken’ or they are a ‘failure’ at sex. It aches my heart knowing how many people in the world feel this way about themselves when I know 100% that it is not true. 

It also touches my heart so deeply when a client says to me ‘I now know there is nothing wrong with me’. I love this moment. There is a difference between me saying to a client ‘there is nothing wrong with you’ to them truly believing it!

My clients start to see that it is often the type of sex they are having which is the problem. Again, another lightbulb moment and I see a wave of relief that washes through them.

The type of sex that is the problem goes something like this in heterosexual partnerships: it starts with kissing, then attention moves down the body, heading straight for the genitals within minutes. Then there is some penetration of the woman with fingers or a tongue before penetration with a cock, getting faster and hotter until orgasms/ejaculation. The end. This often happens in non-heterosexual partnerships too, the focus on some sort of penetration/orgasms as the apex of sexual pleasure. 

It’s important to say here that there is nothing wrong with this at all, however if this is the only way you are having sex, this is when couples contact me saying sex has become ‘boring’ or ‘mechanical’.  

Sex like this leads to specific behaviours (i.e. the attention is often focused on what next rather than fully enjoying the moment or an internal dialogue such as ‘am I/is my partner aroused enough) and beliefs (i.e. sex has to get hotter and faster for it to be ‘good sex’). These beliefs and behaviours are like hand-breaks on your experience as you try and fit into this goal-based way of sex.  This is pretty much the only type of sex you see in porn or in the movies.

The biggest shift you can make is letting go of the goal that sex has to end in some form of penetration, orgasms and ejaculations. By shifting your attention from the goals to what is pleasurable, everything changes and new possibilities open up. For my clients, it liberates them from something they didn’t realise was constraining them. 

For some of my clients this is a relief. They intuitively knew that there was more to sex and pleasure than they were experiencing, however thinking something was wrong with them was a voice that repressed the inner knowing. 

For other clients, this can be really challenging as it is so deeply engrained in our culture that successful sex equals penetration and orgasms and ejaculations. When they let go of the goal, it can be disorientating. They feel like they have arrived in a brand new continent without a map. 

This is where I come in, supporting my clients to explore and discover their native landscape and create pleasure that feels truly good to them.  It takes time and practice to explore what is possible beyond goal based sex and I promise you the journey is worth it!

Read about Pleasure Mastery here or use this link to book a call to see how I can help you achieve similar results whether you are single, dating or in a relationship. 

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