Why sex isn’t working for most people, by Graeme Waterfield

by | Feb 7, 2024


Myself and my partner Sarah, endeavour to put half a day aside for sexual intimacy regularly. This is amazing because I look back into my early 40s, and I, like many men thought I’d lost most of my libido completely.

I’d strayed away from my Taoists sexual practices for a few years, and I’d even got to the point where porn wasn’t really doing it for me. I presumed that that was that, and there was always Viagra if I needed it.  The times I was able to get excited were short-lived with hypersensitivity.

So now in my 50s spending hours making love, I look back on this journey and see clearly that there’s nothing wrong with you if this is you (at any age) but there’s plenty wrong with the terrible sexual education we have been given.

At school, most of us were given 2 options: the scientific approach of putting condoms on broomsticks and being taught about sperm and eggs before being sent off to metalwork.

Or even worse, being educated through performance based porn models. Often loveless interaction between two actors. And, videos that nowadays seem to be straying further and further into the normalisation of non-consensual kink and lovelessness.

Here’s a thing, what I call soul sex and awareness based self pleasure, are about as exciting to watch as someone meditating.  So it’s not a spectator sport, but it is 100% fulfilling to those practising it and therefore to our mental, emotional and physical needs and wellbeing.

For sex to become truly fulfilling, I believe, it has to be seen as more than a quick sweaty exercise chasing an orgasm, to release sexual tension.

For us it has to be a sacred union, meaning the expression of love, a melting into the unified field of Chi, of the life force together.

And the problem is that most sexual education, and even many westernised models of Tantric arts, don’t focus on these type of relationship based lifelong practices.

Increasingly when I work with men I’m believing less that there is such a thing as low libido.  I’m not saying that men aren’t experiencing that but I believe that there’s a lot wrong with the way we’ve been taught to experience our sexual energy and union.

For many relationships, sex is only truly exciting during the honeymoon period but I experience that sex should get better overtime, once we understand its potential.

In a long term committed partnership, if clear communication is learnt, and if you’re making time for each other and for intimacy, there can become a safe container for two people not only to fall deeper into love, but deeper into trust and openness with each other.

This lifelong process of learning how to be more open and vulnerable with someone allows us to  travel deeper into layer after layer of sexual union and pleasure. As you master it, this unique form of love making matures overtime.

I see on a societal level, that we have been encouraged to be numbed out, and over stimulated.  We have forgot how to drop into Eros: the orgasmic energy of ‘being’ each day, which is vibrating subtly in life.

If sex is left on the material level, it will remain about chasing, getting somewhere and wanting things to be always new and exciting.  All of which ends up with us getting burn out and often leads to feelings of emptiness.

Soul sex on the other hand is the art of being present, the art of falling deeper into love, and afterwards feeling more energised, connected and alive, instead of drained and depleted.

The potential for sexual union bringing more love and connection in relationships, and therefore the world is an exciting idea to myself and Sarah, as we create these courses and workshops together. Message Sarah to find out more.

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