From Performance to Pleasure
The sexuality most of us learn is based on performance and goals. The goal of having an erection, keeping an erection, not coming to soon, building the arousal, having an orgasm, not having an orgasm, giving your partner an orgasm and so on. With this focus, our attention is in our mind and on our thoughts (what do I / we need to do / do next) and on the future, diluting our experience in the present moment.
We’re often not aware what is actually happening in our bodies, of the subtle sensations that we can only discover when we slow down. Its like traveling through the most stunning landscapes on a high speed train – it will get us to our destination but we’ve not savoured the incredible scenery. And as we treat our bodies like machines to get us from A to B, sex becomes functional, even robotic. This promotes stress and tension and can result in less than satisfying sexual experiences and lead to a range of sexual concerns.
So how do we create more fulfilling sexual experiences, whether on our own or with partners? Try these to change your focus from performance to pleasure.
Focusing on the pleasure not the performance and goals: Place all of your attention on the pleasure in the here and now and if you find your mind wondering, gently bring your attention back to your pleasure. Rather than pushing to build the arousal, enjoy the natural ebb and flow of arousal. Simply being with it, you allow your bodies innate wisdom to spring forth. You begin to connect to the sensations in your body in a different way, immersing yourself in the depths of your pleasure.
Slow down: To feel the subtleties of your pleasure, slowing down is the number one thing to do. If you think you are going slow, try going 50% slower and see what happens.
Breathe: Shallow breathing, even holding the breath is common in sexual pleasure however this creates tension. Breathing deeply increases the release of endorphins into the system which helps promotes relaxation and a sense of calm. Breathing is your number one sex toy. Even if you don’t remember to breath deeply all the time, the more you pepper your pleasure with it, you’ll start to notice how it changes your experience.
Approach your pleasure with an attitude of curiosity and wonder: We change every day and so does our pleasure. We simply need to bring awareness to it. Ask how does my body want to be touched today? How do I want to touch myself / my partner? This openness creates space for creativity, variety and spontaneity.
Adding these to your sexual pleasure can be the difference between eating fast food and a five star feast. At first they may not feel natural. You may forget or find it hard to focus. Be compassionate with yourself and start again. Breathe. Practice, practice, practice. As you continue to unlearn this focus on pleasure will become natural. And as you savour each rich and beautiful moment. you will discover more of your naturalness. I invite you to experiment with these not just with your sexual pleasure, but in your whole life.
Until next time, enjoy!