The Gifts of Our Genital Uniqueness
The genitals we see in pornography are usually of one type. Women with small, neat, symmetrical shaven pussies and men with long, large and continually hard cocks. Comparing yourself to these genital types, you can feel inadequate or lacking, even deformed. Feeling this way about your genitals affects you on many levels and undoubtedly impacts how you feel sexually and your enjoyment of sex.
Sexual myths can also affect us especially the myths that we all ‘should’ enjoy all sexual positions, that men should get hard and stay hard, that all women love ‘big cocks’, women “should” always be lubricated and if not there is something wrong with them. There are many more.
Browsing through Cosmopolitan magazine at the age of 29 I saw an advert for labia surgery. I had never heard of it before but it gave me hope. I hated my genitals. One of my labia had been cut during childbirth five years previously. I rarely looked ‘down there’ before having a child and the birth left me with one torn labia that was shorter than the other. I thought I was deformed. Knowing part of me would do something as drastic as to have part of my labia cut off was a defining moment. I knew I had to do something about how I felt about my genitals and other worries and fears about sex. My search led me to Shakti Tantra. My first tantra workshop was a revelation. Seeing other women’s genitals, I realised that the appearance of our genitals is as diverse as our faces. It was such a relief and I started to see the beauty of my genitals and this transformed how I felt about myself.
The sexual teachings of Quodoushka also liberated my limited understanding of my genital anatomy and my sexual potential. Quodoushka is an incredible body of teachings from the Twisted Hairs Elders of the Sweet Medicine Sundance Path. In the wonderful book, The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka, Amara Charles shares how Quodoushka categorises men and women into nine different sexual anatomy types.
Each anatomy type is defined by an animal – for women there are sheep, cat, buffalo, bear. wolf, antelope, deer, fox and dancing woman. For men, coyote, dog, bear, pony, horse, elk, deer, ram and dancing man. Studying the behaviour of each animal can deepen your understanding of the naturalness of each anatomy type. Wolf women can be loyal, playful and like to make noise, deer men are quick, alert and graceful lovers. A variety of characteristics are considered to determine which anatomy type you are:
Distance between clitoris and vaginal opening
Shape or size of the clitoral hood
Size of inner lips
Depth of vaginal canal
Location of G-spot area
Amount of lubrication
Typical time to reach orgasm
Preferred types of stimulation
Types of orgasm
Preferred intercourse position
Sexual demeanour such as sensitive, imaginative, alluring
Length of shaft
Thickness of shaft
Amount of ejaculate and the number of spurts of ejaculation
Taste of ejaculate
Consistency of ejaculate
Position of testicles
Lubrication, ejaculate, taste, temperature, time to orgasm, preferred type of stimulation and sexual demeanour will all affected by our health and wellness such as diet, fitness, stress levels and for women, their menstrual cycle.
When I first heard these differences I was amazed – I had never considered the variety of our genitals and how this impacts on our sexual pleasure. Exploring your type can be a relief, making sense of feelings and experiences you have had. Knowing this, you begin to appreciate how your genital anatomy and characteristics influence what you like and dislike. Why it is you enjoy certain kinds of stimulation or sexual positions more than others and how this can be different with different people. Getting to know and appreciate the uniqueness of your own sexual anatomy is empowering as you can connect and cultivate your natural sexual preferences, style and gifts.
However, it is not a rigid system of classification. As Amara highlights in the book, with practice, you can cultivate any of the sexual abilities from the other genital anatomy types. Amara also writes that there is no perfect match for genital anatomy types. There may be preferences, but anyone can learn to be with anyone. When two (or more!) new bodies come together, it is a time of exploration, discovering how your sexual pleasure can sing together and on this note, I leave you with the wise words of Amara Charles:
“Taking the time to find out about your partner’s anatomy type gives you a way to explore the kinds of pressure, speed, and timing she [or he] likes best. You will also gain a better sense of when to change your touch and timing if something doesn’t work for her [or him]. Remember, however, that there are no fixed formulas, and that you must always pay close attention to what she [or he] wants in any given moment. The best way to increase your sensitivity and skill as a lover is to be curious, ask questions, get feedback and stay open for change.”
Please share your thoughts, reflections and experiences at the end of this blog – I’d love to hear from you. If you have concerns about your genitals or would like to learn more about your sexual anatomy for pleasure, do get in touch.
With much pleasure,