The Temperatures of Pleasure
When it comes to pleasure people often want it hot, hot, hot. And yes hot can be great, right? Though this is often coupled with a belief that hotter temperatures of pleasure are somehow better than the cooler end of the spectrum. They are seen as a hierarchy however I invite you to shift your perception and see them simply as a range of temperatures of pleasure that are available to us. Neither are better or worse – they are just different.
The belief that ‘hotter is better” creates pressure, that if pleasure is not continually ‘hot’ then something is not right either with an individual or a relationship. Individuals can feel there is something wrong with them if they don’t get ‘hot’ fast enough yet we’re all totally different when it comes to pleasure and your individual arousal patterns can change due to stress, ageing, illness etc
Some sexologists say that men get ‘hot’ quickly whereas women take time to warm up. Whilst this has some truth the opposite can also be true. Again, neither is better or worse – they are just different. And for couples, acknowledging and celebrating these differences is the way forward, not trying to change your arousal to fit with someone else’s pace.
Getting ‘hot’ quickly is a particular issue for men experiencing ‘early’ ejaculation (commonly known as ‘premature ejaculation’) where men go from ‘cool’ to ‘hot’ sometimes in seconds without enjoying any of the temperatures in between. This affects other sexual challenges too. Women seeking to experience orgasm or men with erection challenges (commonly known as ‘erectile dysfunction’) try going harder and faster to achieve their desired goal of orgasm or stronger erections. Yet what’s often needed is the opposite. To relax and savour all temperatures of pleasure.
So whats the benefit of exploring all temperatures of pleasure?
Firstly, it takes the pressure off. With the focus on ‘hot’, the goal becomes to keep the pleasure ‘hot’ yet your pleasure naturally ebbs and flows between the cooler and hotter realms. When you allow your body to experience the full spectrum of pleasure available, this creates space to both deepen and expand your pleasure. You have more choice and possibility.
The cooler realms ask you to slow down, relax and savour your pleasure. And as you slow down and are present to the subtler sensations, you can feel more and those sensations get more and more delicious. Instead of focusing on the goal of ‘hot’, the goal changes to ‘pleasure’ – whatever the temperature. For many people this shift in focus is a huge relief enabling them to really relax and enjoy their pleasure.
Because of the belief that ‘hot’ is best, many people have never experienced and don’t know how to enjoy the cooler levels of pleasure. When people first try this they may find they aren’t able to feel much sensation as it’s subtler or they find it’s ‘boring’ as the cooler levels don’t have the intensity they are used to.
Create time to practice exploring pleasure in the cooler levels. This removes the pressure of ‘knowing what to do’ or ‘getting it right’. You can do this during self pleasure or with a partner, through for example, erotic massage or love making. If the temperature rises, either stop or slow down and breathe. Notice how the experience feels. If you rise to the hotter temperatures, was anything different as a result of hanging out in the lower temperatures? What did you enjoy? What was challenging? Share your experiences below. I’d love to hear from you.