How to Love a Vagina
(Estimated Reading Time 5 minutes)
A transcript of my talk from The Manchester Sex Lectures, 2019: How to Love a Vagina (A Guide for Vagina Owners and Vagina Lovers). You can watch the original talk, How to Love a Vagina.
Hi, good evening and thank you Roger for the lovely introduction and thank you both for the invite back. I’m gonna tell you a little bit about why this topic and talk about the context and then I’m gonna dive right in.
The subject tonight that I’m bringing is, ‘how to love a vagina’ and I’ve actually changed the title slightly, adding ‘a guide for vagina owners and vagina lovers’. This came from a client who said to me I wish there was a Haynes manual for women (remember those old car manuals) so it inspired me and this is my little version.
A little bit about me. It’s 16 years ago to this very month that my vagina got me into this work and has got me into much trouble as well! I was in a place where I did not like my vagina: I thought she was disgusting and actually deformed and I was terrified of sex and I knew I had to do something about it. Going on a woman’s workshop blew my whole life open. Before that, I couldn’t even say the word vagina 16 years ago and here I am standing on the stage talking about mine and a lot of other women’s!
One of my passions in my work these last few years has been to really help both vagina owners and vagina lovers to have a better and more healthy and wonderful relationship with the vaginas of this world.
A little bit about language. When I’m talking about vaginas I’m actually meaning both the vulva and vagina, vulva being the external parts, vagina the internal parts and when I’m talking about vagina owners and vagina lovers, it could be indeed anyone of any gender identity or sexual orientation. You may be both be a vagina owner and a vagina lover and when I’m talking about penetration in this talk, mainly I’m talking about penetration with a penis, but it may also be with a strap on, sex toys, fingers, all sorts of things.
So let’s take a little leap back into history. There was a time where vaginas were really revered, they were a symbol of protection, of healing, of power and there are many stories of this. One of my favourites is a Catalan saying which is translated as “the sea calms down when it sees a woman’s pussy.” The story is that women would be by the sea when the men went off to get the catch and by flashing their vaginas, they would wish them an abundant catch and safe travels. I really recommend Regena Thomashauer’s book “Pussy” which has got many more stories – it’s a great starting place.
The reality of vaginas today
Let’s fast forward to 2019 and I think we’re in quite a different world and I’m going to start with some statistics to give you a flavour of what’s happening with the vaginas of our world, in our culture and this is just a flavour, there’s a lot more I could share. It’s been a challenge and these are the highlights of what I’ve been working with for the last few years.
In terms of sexual abuse, at least one in five vagina owners will experience some sort of sexual assault in their lifetime and indeed around 11 adults in the UK are raped, attempted raped or assaulted by penetration per hour and the majority of those are vagina owners so just in the time of this talk, our two hours together, around 20 women will be raped or experience attempted raped and the effect of that trauma, the whole aspect of that on all their lives is massive and it also has a specific impact on their vaginas and the impact on their ability to enjoy pleasure.
Conditions like pain, numbness and traumas are not always about assault, for example a number of women experience trauma at childbirth and have a great relationship with their vagina up until that point and that’s the changing point for them.
The quest for the perfect ‘porn pussy’ has seen a massive rise in women seeking labiaplasty and there was a survey done in 2016 which showed worldwide there was a forty five percent increase in labiaplasty procedures from 2015.
There’s many products on the market for example intimate deodorants and wipes and sprays that are very chemically-based and the marketing has got this sort of shaming aspect that there’s something to cover up and hide down there.
In terms of things like incontinence 50% of women and vagina owners will experience urinary incontinence at one stage in their life, one in three women at least will experience pelvic organ prolapse where either their bladder, their uterus or their rectum will drop into their vagina. Women will experience a range of infection – 75% of women will experience thrush at least once and there’s a normalisation of these things as if this is just how it is. A woman I was talking to went to a doctor with a condition and the doctor said to her “it’s not bothering your husband is it so why are you here.” Now that’s the sort of comment I’d expect in the 1950s not in this decade and that’s not the first time I’ve heard things like that.
If you were an alien who just happened to land on this planet and were to watch sex and porn you would think that vaginas like penetration extremely hard and fast without any touch whatsoever, and even the touch that they like is very hard and fast. Around 70 percent of women (though the statistics vary) do not orgasm through penetration with a penis and that statistic is bandied around as if that’s just the way it is but I am not having that because I believe it’s partly to do with the type of penetration that we’re having and also the vagina owners relationship with their own vaginas is part of it too.
There was a worldwide study that found the time it took from penetration to ejaculation is 5.4 minutes and many of my clients, both vagina owners and lovers, say that they’re very unhappy with the type of penetration that they’re experiencing and in my experience, often they think there’s something wrong with them because they’re not enjoying it and it’s actually the type of penetration we learn that is the issue which is focus on getting to the goal.
I see clients that are experiencing painful sex, the nearly one in ten women who don’t orgasm, don’t have any sensation, don’t get aroused, aren’t getting lubricated, or think they have too much lubrication and they’re worried about that. These women feel like they’re the only one and there’s something wrong with them but I promise you that there isn’t anything wrong with them. Part of it is down to the massive lack of education that we have about sex in general but also about our vaginas and all of this has a massive impact on our health and well-being and our sense of who we are and also on our vaginas so what’s the solution?
If you are a vagina owner, what can you do to change this?
- Take responsibility for your vulva and your vagina
- Educate Yourself. Just because things like incontinence and thrush and things like this are really common let’s not accept those very low standards for women’s health and well-being. So much of this is preventable and that’s what’s so sad about it, a massive percentage of it’s preventable and if you have any of those conditions so much healing is possible. When I had a prolapse a couple of years ago it was quite terrifying and I had to go and do so much research to find positive stories of healing and in the end I was actually educating the professionals that I went to see about it! So don’t give up if you’re experiencing any of these things as it often takes real persistence and sometimes can take years.
- Look after your pelvic floor not just for your health but also for your pleasure. That’s a whole talk in and of itself. I’m a big fan of the Jade egg as a system of looking after the health of your pelvic floor and there are many others. There’s also other things that contribute like our lifestyle for example there are younger and younger women getting prolapses because they’re hunched over mobile phones and computers so things like posture and lifestyle can have a really significant impact.
- Look after your vagina and your vulva. Use natural products, clothes made of natural fibres and things like vaginal steaming which you may have read about, also known as yoni steaming. In fact the first research study has been done recently in the USA around vaginal steaming in post partum women and the results that are coming back are very very positive.
- Make friends with her. If you’re going to make friends with somebody you spend time with them. Make friends with your vulva and your vagina. Many women have no relationship with this part of their bodies and the only relationship they have is through sex, medical reasons like smears, and hygiene reasons and that’s it. Our relationship with our vagina really impacts our sense of self so let’s reclaim this part of our body as something that’s ours and not something “down there.” There’s a wonderful teaching from the Quodoushka tradition, a shamanic sacred sexuality path detailed in a book called The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka. They categorised different types of genitals and they have this amazing categorisation of vaginas and it shows how unique we all are, just as our faces are so unique. This can be the size of our labia, the size of our inner lips and our outer lips, the size of our clitoris, how our clitoral hood is – is it small? is it always covered? The distance between the clitoris and the vaginal opening will be different, how long we take to get aroused, how much lubrication we produce, the length and width of our vaginal canal, where our g-spot is located, the taste and the temperature and smell and the type of sexual activity that we like based on our own unique configuration, for example some women may prefer oral sex to penetration. When I first heard this, for me it was so, so liberating because it really encouraged me to look at what’s true for me rather than what I think I should be or what’s expected of me.
- Give her a name. So many women don’t have a name for her and how can you ask for the pleasure that you want if you don’t have a name for her.
- Look at her in the mirror. If you don’t look at your face in the mirror for 20 years you’ll have a shock when you do and it’s exactly the same with your vulva and vagina and actually it can be very scary to do that but as you start to do that you start to make friends with her.
- Get to know her personality. I’ve known women who were really shy and when they’ve got to know her personality they found out she’s quite wild and actually it’s a part of them they’ve just either not connected with or suppressed.
- Listen to her messages. Start where you’re at – if she’s numb, if she’s painful, if she’s juicy, if she’s happy, if she’s scared, she’s got something to tell you. She’s like your own innate little erotic GPS system and you can make your decisions on her guidance, I promise you she knows better than you do for sure.
- Spend time with her. Say hello to her, give her a hug, breathe with her, give her a massage, pleasure her, get to know her anatomy – she’s so much more than just a clitoris and a vaginal canal – I really recommend Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sherri Winston to look at this.
- Relax, slow down and savour her. Explore different types of touch and speed and pressure, honour the time it takes for you as a vagina owner to get aroused. Some women take 35 to 45 minutes and how many women actually give themselves that time.
- Be her voice and her advocate. Communicate – it takes courage, honesty and practice. Make requests for her pleasure, don’t apologise. This feels good and what would make it even better is… I’d love it if we went for example, slower, which is such a common thing that vagina owners tell me they want especially with penetration.
And my final slide. Now I love this slide because this just sums up what I want to share and this is for vagina lovers. Appreciate her and admire her, how she looks, how she tastes, how she smells and tell the vagina owner that you’re with. Touch her for comfort and healing with no agenda of turning her on. Massage her for pleasure without any goal of orgasm. Get to know her slow down, savour the experience, explore and when you enter her whether with a penis or fingers take time to allow her to open and flower.
Slow can be a whole new experience for both vagina owners and vagina lovers. We’re so used to hot intense pleasure in our culture and it takes time to learn to relax and swim in the warm waters of pleasure but I promise you whole new vistas open up when we do. Vagina lovers ask your partner, how does this feel? What would make it even better? Would you like it slower faster firmer or lighter?
Vulvas and vaginas are such incredible magical places, they are the gateway for life to come through and they deserve to be honoured and treated with the best of care and attention and pleasure and loved by both vagina owners and vagina lovers.
So thank you for listening I hope there’s something in here for you this evening.
You can find out a little bit more about me here and I just want to say a big shout out to Alpha Channeling who’s incredible erotic artists based in San Francisco and I emailed and said could I use your beautiful photos in my presentation and he came back and said yes that’s so wonderful so do check him out he’s incredible.
If you are a female who would like to learn to love your vulva and awaken her power and pleasure, take a look at my women’s 1-1 coaching programme and you can book a call with me to explore what is possible for you. And take a look at my 1-1 sexual empowerment coaching programme for women or Ignite Your Sexuality, my self study course for women that has two modules dedicated to vulva and vagina loving!
For couples, if you would love to discover your own and each others pleasure in delicious like learning vulva and cock massage, take a look at my couples sex and intimacy coaching programme and you can book a call with me to explore what is possible for you.
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