“The women who shared stories of loving sex or of having profound sexual experiences reminded me at times of careful cartographers. They were not inventing new lands so much as mapping the full extent of existing territory. “
Katherine Rowland, ‘The Pleasure Gap’
I adore this quote by Katherine Rowland (I highly recommend her book, ‘The Pleasure Gap’) as it beautifully articulates my experience. If you look to the mainstream media for sex advice, you might imagine that some new sex toys, a sex card game or trying some new positions might be the key to solving your sexual problems and to fulfilling sex. Yet as Katherine discovered in her interviews (and I have found from my personal experience and from working with 100s of clients), the journey is not an external search, it’s an inside job and one that is so worth it. If you explore the external, anchored in the internal, it’s a very different experience.
Start with letting go of what you think sex ‘should’ look like. It may be that you think sex ‘should’ take a certain trajectory (usually a linear route of kissing, to genital stimulation, to some form of penetration culminating in orgasms for it to be ‘successful’) or that you ‘should’ act in specific ways. This was true for me and is true for everyone I work with. The only way you get to see sex is through actors in movies or porn and it is easy to pick up messages, often unconsciously, of ‘this is how sex is meant to be’.
Turning inwards and discovering what is true for you is key as often attention is turned outwards or to specific goals (such as concern around how you look or is the other person enjoying it or am I aroused enough?). Shifting your attention inside can be an unfamiliar and vulnerable place though. It can also be liberating and exciting as you begin to focus on how things are for you. From learning what feels good for you to perhaps noticing where you feel numb or uncomfortable or painful. Many women I work with have learnt to focus on their partner’s pleasure and/or to override these feelings for many different reasons, either avoiding sex or pushing through the discomfort.
As you turn inwards, you can drop deeper and deeper within, sensing and feeling from the inside. I remember the day I read one of Diana Richardson’s books about breast massage and she suggested shifting the focus from the skin and the surface of your body to the sensations inside your breasts. This was one of those moments where everything shifted for me and became a practice I have been exploring ever since.
This is more than just exploring pleasure. As we turn inwards, we meet profound places within that may be hidden or shut down. These may be parts of us that we don’t want people to see or that we are scared to reveal. There may be places within us that we didn’t even know existed. This can be a vulnerable and tender journey and the key with all of this is gentleness. These are places with a potential for deep healing and self-discovery.
There are so many more layers to this, this is to offer a taste of the journey inside. I invite you to see your body and your soul as these vast landscapes to be explored and discovered. The journey is life long as we age and as we change.
This is creating sex and pleasure that is so much more than an act that we ‘do’. This is exploring why we want be intimate with ourselves or another, what uniquely matters to us and what makes sex and intimacy meaningful. This is where you experience the loving and profound sexual experiences that can touch the depth of your soul.
If you would like to find out how Pleasure Mastery can help you, read more about it here or contact me for more information. I look forward to hearing from you!
