Anthi, in her mid-40s, reached out to me as intimacy with her long term partner had pretty much stopped. She found sex ‘scary and disgusting’. She grew up being told that sex was dirty, only men want it and women do it for the men.
Over the years, sex was often when she was drunk and after a long time of not feeling things, she was starting to feel. She thought that if she can learn to cook, she might be able to learn to have pleasure. After five years on my mailing list, a particular email resonated with her and it was time to reach out. I know this is a point that can take HUGE courage and as Anthi found, it was so worth it.
I would like to celebrate Anthi, who has transformed how she feels about her body, sex and her relationship in the 6 months we worked together.
Anthi thought that she was a:
“…very special weird case….that can’t be solved. That I can’t have pleasure. That it’s a mystery that cannot be cracked.”
Many clients I work with feel this way and as Anthi found, putting attention on this area of her life is what she needed.
We spent time exploring what she believed about sex and intimacy. Here are some of the things that she used to believed:
- she didn’t have ‘erotic intelligence’,
- she didn’t look the way she ‘was supposed to’,
- she could only experience pleasure with a partner, that wasn’t something for her to experience on her own,
- if the other person wasn’t getting pleasure, it was her fault,
- good sex is when you are fully aroused ‘all the time’ and if you are not, it’s not good sex,
- ‘sex is a mystery’,
- you can’t work on these things. This is just how it is.
She now believes and knows that:
- she is whole just as she is,
- she does have erotic intelligence,
- sex is healthy,
- sex can be many things. It doesn’t have to be both people having orgasms all the time,
- you can practice and you can discover things that you didn’t know,
- you are responsible for your experience and your pleasure and your partner is responsible for theirs,
- she has to have a relationship with pleasure just for her and having this results in better pleasure with her partner.
Anthi transformed her relationship with her body. She shared:
“Listening to my body and my sacred intelligence has been a game changer for my whole life. Knowing that pausing and listening to my system is more valuable than pushing through anything really, and accepting what is instead of trying to make things as they ‘should’ be.
I have a different relationship with my body. It’s a sacred part of me. It’s not an object that I command. It’s rather the opposite. It’s insignificant whether I’m five kilos more or five kilos less…the ups and downs of that used to frustrate me a lot. Now I consider them a small thing…I used to think I only deserved pleasure if I looked like a model and sometimes I refrained from having relationships if I wasn’t thin at that time. I am so proud of that relationship and also having more intimacy with my Yoni [Tantric name for vulva and vagina], looking at her and knowing how she changes and having a relationship with her. I thought it was a forbidden area.”
She told me how she feels “happier and lighter”. She experienced how pleasure is good for her, what sex means to her, broadening the definition of sex from the focus of penetration and orgasms, what arouses her, what type of touch she likes and where, how to bring her pleasure into the ‘erotic space’ with her partner and how to communicate that. She stopped doing things that she felt she ‘should’ do just because her partner liked it.
Her relationship with pleasure also changed day to day. She shared:
“It’s so beneficial to find pleasure in any situation and lightness. It benefits me but also others around… I used to be surprised by people who’re like that. When I came across somebody who was like that, I was really surprised, ‘how can they live their life like this? Life is not this, life is difficult and suffering’. I think pleasure was connected with guilt and worry. So once it got connected with value [how pleasure was good for her], I got it.”
Her intimate relationship is much better. “I don’t feel responsible for his arousal or pleasure. That lifted a huge weight off me…And that also helped the relationship in general because I did tend to take his responsibilities too. It’s such a strong mirror, how you are erotically. It’s very strong. So it resonated with me a lot that I do that in the erotic space and I do it in the rest of life…I stopped taking on responsibilities that belonged to him.”
Do you resonate with Anthi’s experience? Do you wish you had more pleasure in your life? Do you take on other people’s responsibilities? Do you think sex has to be a certain way and find that you are not enjoying it? If these are holding you back my Pleasure Mastery programme covers it all.