Why planning sex can transform your sex life

by | Aug 16, 2023

Intentional sex is to commit to creating space to share time together. I mean sex in the broadest of terms possible – doing something that feels arousing and/or pleasurable to you, whatever that is.  It may simply be time to do something relaxing and pleasurable together like a sensual massage.

Through the media/porn we have learnt that sex ‘should’ be spontaneous and just happen naturally and effortlessly. If it doesn’t, many people I work with feel there is something wrong with them or their relationship.

As I previously wrote about, you can experience sexual desire as ‘spontaneous’. This is the kind of desire that you see portrayed in the media. However many people especially women, experience desire as ‘responsive’ which means that their desire emerges in response to something (see my recent blog all about this). If they have nothing to respond to, they can go months, even years without feeling sexual desire.

If you experience responsive desire, creating intentional time for intimacy is so important. It can also be vital when you have really busy lives. In the busyness of the every day, kids, work, stress, tiredness etc it is easy for sex to happen less and less, especially if you are relying on it to happen spontaneously.

For me, my experience of desire shifted from spontaneous to more responsive in my 40s with menopausal changes and being intentional about sex has been vital for me and my partner.  And, once you get past the ‘honeymoon’ phase and into the rhythms of your life together, creating intentional time together is even more important.

When I suggest planning time together, there is usually one of the couple who has resistance to it. The belief that sex ‘should’ just happen spontaneously is programmed so deeply as it is the only way that we learn and the only style we see. It is only through time and practice that people see that there is another way and discover the many gifts from ‘intentional sex’.

When you were dating sex was often planned. It didn’t just happen. You committed to meeting up. You got ready to meet, making lots of effort to bring your best self (showering, getting your hair done, whatever you might do!). It might have felt effortless with the hormones on a high but often a lot of thought and preparation goes into those meetings!

To create time, it’s great to agree what times of the week are best for you both.  When you agree the time, creating the space whether it’s external such as having a bedroom that feels relaxing (as Davina MacKail shares about Feng Shui for the bedroom on my podcast Episode 32 – ‘think boudoir not bedroom’) or internal by doing something to unwind from the day like having a bath (though relaxing can be a delicious thing to do together, such as having a massage).

One of the riches of creating time together is learning different ways to experience pleasure together beyond the goal based penetrative sex that most people learn.  People feel that sex has to culminate in some form of penetration for it to be ‘successful’, Another big myth that puts so much pressure on couples.

I have worked with so many couples who have embraced creating intentional time together and they know that if they didn’t do this, sex would hardly happen. It is not the solution for everyone. There can be other issues and dynamics at play yet for many people I work with this is a game changer.

Part of intentional sex is learning different ways to unwind and be together such as games to play, erotic massage, genital massage, relaxed love making. As you expand your repertoire of what you can experience together, intentional sex takes on a whole meaning. It becomes a place to play together, to learn together, to love more, to deepen with each other.

It becomes a precious space to savour and relax into rather than rushing to the finish line and it’s not about taking hours (though it can!). It’s oxytocin time. It’s dropping into the parasympathetic nervous system, into the body, into presence, slowing down and accessing deeper pleasures and treasures.

If this is a place you would like to explore, my partner and I have created INTIMACY, a 3 month course for couples to deepen the love you share and expand the pleasure you experience together. It’s full of many different ways to experience pleasure together from ways to unwind together, erotic massage, relaxed love making and more. Whether you are looking to revitalise your relationship or your committed to deepening what you have, we’ve got you!

You can read all about INTIMACY here.  After reading the info, if you have any additional questions or you would like to book a 30 minute call with Graeme and I to see if INTIMACY is right for you both, please message me. Early bird offer available until the end of the month.

If you would prefer private couples coaching with Sarah, you can book a call here to find out more.

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